I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
