I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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