i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize