i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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