I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
