well I can't set my house on fire every night
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
