I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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