There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
