woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
