I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Im part way to drunk.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize