ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize