theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
