So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
