just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
