I cockslap morals
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize