A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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