i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize