oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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