I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
