if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
