shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
