last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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