imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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