I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
