I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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