Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
