Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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