My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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