Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize