Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
