glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
