i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
