Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
