dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
