I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just gargled with NyQuil
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
