I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
