my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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