I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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