girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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