So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Randomize
