i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
