saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
