I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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