i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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