I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
