Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
