I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
