His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
