I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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