New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
