She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you will always have a special place in my vag
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
