You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
