Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
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