i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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