Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I supernannyed him into submission
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
